I cannot stand crying in front of people. It almost pisses me off when I do it. I have my moments and it comes out sometimes,
but that is rare.
I don’t even like crying in general. It messes up my contacts or makes my glasses
fog for one. That is just the first thing
that makes me upset about crying.
Ellen is the only
person that I think I can even cry in front of and not feel weird about
it. I feel weird crying to my Mom
even. It has nothing to do with not
feeling comfortable or feeling like I can’t, but that’s just me. I’m sure there is some deep seeded “thing”
inside of me that a therapist with an uncomfortable couch could elaborate on,
but I’m not at that point yet.
I don’t cry when we lose a game. I don’t cry at the end of a
season. I think that is just weird. If
you lost a game, you obviously didn't do something well enough. When the season is over, I’m just happy I got
to be a part of it and yeah it sucks it’s over but the sun is still going to
come out in the morning.
I cried when Chase
died and I cried when Michael passed.
Those were the first times I felt helpless, but I had forgotten what
that felt like. I don’t cry a whole lot when bad stuff happens to me. When it
comes to my daughter though, there’s a different type of cry that happens and
it only happens with her. That feeling
about makes me sick to my stomach and I just get mad again. When I get news about P, I always make sure I’m
somewhere alone because I can’t hold it back.
It never fails, I cry. Most of
the time I don’t let Ellen see me cry, but then there’s times I send her the “Cried
all the way home, FML” text which is code for I got home and am Ok now.
For me my crying spot is in the bathroom. I think it is because I can look in the
mirror about halfway through and tell myself to quit being a pansy and get it
together. My lifting partner right
before he’s about to do something heavy says, “alright you big baby let’s go.”
I don’t know if he means to say it, but it’s a mild version of what I tell
myself when I’m crying and I always think of those moments (random I know). I know it is good to cry, but sweet Lord it
sucks. I like to cuss a lot when I get
done crying. Maybe that is my way of
cleansing everything. I’m just glad
nobody hears me. I mean I say some messed
up stuff. I think I have made up a few
new ones that would make Bobby Knight proud, but Coach B disappointed at the
same time.
It’s almost like crying is
just a precursor to me getting mad as hell.
I don’t know if other people get that way, but I don’t know any other
way.
I've cried more in the past week than I have in my entire
life I think. I don’t think crying is a
sign of weakness or any crap like that; I just don’t like it. Maybe one day I'll think differently about
it. As for now, I'll just stick to
crying in the bathroom, cussing the mirror, and walking back out like nothing
is wrong.
(hug)
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