Just Have Faith

Having Faith is a process, not a phrase.

   “Just Have Faith” is a phrase I hear a lot.  This is what a lot of people use when they truly don’t have anything other to say.  Faith is the fallback when we can’t explain something or are out of options.  Faith should be anything but a fallback.  It should be a stand on, lean on, start with, or anything better than a last resort  I have so many questions when someone says this to me.

   Have Faith in what?  Have faith in the same thing that made me whole and now leaves me broken? 

   Have Faith in who?  In myself? In God? In humanity?  Two of these three have failed me on a consistent basis and the other makes me question the other two almost every second. 

   Have Faith when?  Just when I’m out of options?  Just when I need help the most?  Because this is the only time people seem to mention having Faith.  What if I started this venture with Faith and it is all been downhill? What do I do then?

   I truly believe that my little girl is in heaven; perfectly healed and filled with love.  I am more connected to my spiritual side and what I believe than some people that “HAVE” to go to church every Sunday morning.  So don’t get it twisted or say “He’s lost his way and I’ll pray for that.”  I pray sometimes that some people see blessings and have something like I do to believe in.

   These questions are just what come to my mind when somebody says have Faith and I don’t think many that say it really understand what their Faith is.  Some have never had their Faith tested, lost it, found themselves in the midst of it, and repeated that process every time they wake up and twice when they go to sleep.

   I believe that everyone should have Faith in something.  It first has to be with yourself.  You have to believe in yourself before you can believe in something or someone else.  I’ve made my peace with God and I am solid in my foundation of what I believe.  My prayer for you is that you can say that too.  If today was your day, would you “Just Have Faith” or would it be more than that?

To My Love on Mother's Day

To my Love,

                I could write a million things right now but I know none of them will be enough.  I’ve been right there the whole time. Sometimes holding your hand, sometimes looking in your eyes, and sometimes walking away because it’s best for both of us.  Nothing I could say on Mother’s Day will ever bring back what you lost that morning.  I only promise to never stop trying.

                A mother is something you always wanted to be.  I know that it is all you ever wanted.  I know you lost that part of your soul and although we don’t know what the future will hold, I know that little piece that Sweet P created will never come back.  I know how that feels. I know hun, that’s what makes life so hard.

                What you lost as a mother is what you also gained.  You did more for your daughter in 23 months than some could ever imagine.  Cleaning out blowouts, wiping up those damn bananas she’d spit out, and washing those bottles day in and day out was the easy part.  That was just part of the job.  That day you earned the title of Mommy, was the day you started something that will never be forgotten.  You did way more than what was published in newspapers and on TV.  You showed what it meant to love someone more than anything in the world.  You held back tears in times that needed you to be tough.  You held onto her when she needed it the most.  I will always say that she was a Daddy’s girl, but she was her mother’s daughter through and through.  Penelope was lucky to have you as her own, and she knew that.  She told us that morning how much she loved us, but always you first.

                All those signs we see are there to let us know how much she loves us and is watching over us.  They are there because you look for them and she knows that. 

                This day might not ever have the same meaning or be celebrated like it once was, but that’s ok.  It can be whatever you want it to be because you are Penelope’s Mom and always will be.  No one or no thing can ever take that from you.  I will celebrate it because I celebrate you and what you mean to me.  I love you.

                                                                                                                -Andy (with help from P)

Just Stop

You can’t control a lot of things in life, don’t forget about the ones you can control.  

  Life can a complete cluster sometimes.  Take mine for example.  End of school, spring football practice, 1 year since our travels to St. Jude’s, jacked up lower back and can’t lift, grandmother not doing so hot, and 50 million other things I’m sure you can relate to.  The problem with it all is in this life we forget to stop.  We get so consumed in the externals we forget about the things that we can control.  It is just as simple to stop and relax as it is to deal with all this stuff.  “Oh that’s easier said than done,” is probably what you are thinking.

    Most people resort to posting some sappy poor pitiful me post of Facebook and look to others to lift them up.  That’s the problem to me.  We are looking elsewhere to lift ourselves and forget that looking inward is where the peace is.  I won’t lie, a hot tub overlooking the mountain is my current state and helps with this, but I had to make this happen.  I have enough shit going on at home that I feel like I can’t ever stop; but until I fix me, everything else isn’t going to be worth it either. 

    Most of my inner depression and anxiety comes from the piece of my heart that is missing.  Everybody has their problems and demons, but we too often bury them deeper and deeper because of the more “pressing issues” in front of us.  There isn’t anything more pressing than your sense of self and taking care of you and those you love.  Ellen needed to be away this weekend and truthfully I needed it too. 

    Worrying about the dishes, the jungle I call a yard, the gutters that need cleaning, and the long list of financial issues that haunts us all every morning while brushing our teeth are no match for dealing with things like the emotions I see when I look at pictures of my princess and about throw up I get so upset.  All I’m saying is just stop, take a minute, an hour, a weekend and just work on yourself and the ones closest to you.  Just like everything I write, one day I’ll be drawn back to reading this and need this message; I just hope I’m not too far gone to fix it.