Monday, August 1, 2016

How to Grieve

     “Oh grieving is a process, you’ll have highs and lows.” “Grief shows its head in many ways, you will find a way to deal with it.” “Stay positive.”
     These are the things you hear as you begin to grieve.  Here is the truth: “It isn’t a process, it is now life as you know it.  You have mediums and pits of hell, the only high is medicinal at the beginning.”  “You don’t deal, you see things in different ways.” “These many heads are really just the 5 million things going through your head at once.”  “Screw positive, I’m just trying to stay sane.”
     I’ve grieved in the bottom of Gin bottles.  I’ve grieved opening up the top of a pill bottle.  I grieve reading passages of the Bible while minutes later screaming “Why????” at the top of my lungs from her bedroom.  I grieve by loving my wife more than anything, but also by getting mad at her about simple things.  I’ve yelled until I am hoarse, cried until I can’t breathe, and thought so much my head hurts to the point of crying again.  I’ve watched the phone go to voicemail of my best friends days upon days.  I’ve made more excuses on why I can’t go somewhere than I ever have before.  I’ve given to more charities and donated more change at 4 way stops than before too.  I’ve said I am Ok and doing fine to the point I start to halfway believe it. 
     I could say a thousand more things about the past month and a half but it all comes down to living day to day.  One day is not like the other.  One minute is not like the other.  The only process I understand about grieving is this:

1)      Nobody should ever tell you how to grieve.  You do you and be okay with that.
2)      You will become bitter with the people around you without even knowing.
3)      Drinking an entire bottle of gin will probably make you pee the bed.
4)      You need to take time to cry purposefully.  Random things will make you cry, but you need to reminisce about the times that made you smile, even though you cry and want for them now.

5)      Don’t give up on God.  Your outlook will change. Your beliefs will be tested.  You have to figure it out yourself, nobody can do that for you.