You can’t hold onto
something forever, but sometimes it is all that is holding you together.
Nobody wants this
old green chair and that is fine by me.
I never got to sit in it much growing up because it was Brit’s chair and
that is who got to sit in it. For over a
year and a half though it has been mine.
I’ve written a lot of my blog entries here, most of my Bored Teachers
articles, and even the occasional football plan. More importantly it’s been my “place”. You know, the one place you feel comfortable
and safe for whatever reason. It doesn’t
matter what’s going on, I can sit here and think, laugh, cry, cry again, and
sometimes fall asleep because I’m so exhausted.
As much as it is about the chair, it is about where the chair is. It’s at Brit’s and now it is time that I let
this spot go. It is time to move on and for
most of us, moving on is hard. It is
hard to let go for some, especially me.
I sit here staring
at this crooked little table with books piled on it and know that I’ll miss
it. I sit here staring at the mountains
and know that I’ll miss sitting here staring at them. Truthfully, I’ll miss all of it and thinking
about it not being the same about makes me sick. Things never stay the same and other than
death and taxes, change will always remain. (Another Brit quote.)
I’m glad though that
I’ve learned to take it all in so that I never have to fully let go. I will be taking this chair home one day, not
because I have room or it matches anything in this world, but so I can always
have my space. I’ll remember that the
table was always crooked and how the pattern on the rug doesn’t really match
from one side to the other from this angle. It isn’t
about losing things, but not ever forgetting about them I think is the scariest
part. I don’t want to let go because I
don’t want to forget. Now that I think
about it. I never really have to let
go. Of course it won’t be the same and I’ll
never get that full effect back, but that doesn’t mean it won’t always be
there. I've thought so much about this place over the past year if I could draw worth a damn I could draw it inch by inch. But once it isn't here anymore, will I be able to still do it? That's the part that makes me upset.
I can only hope for those of you
that have to say good-bye to something that you have lived in that moment. And that moment you never have to let go and never
forget. I write this as much for me as I
do for others to think about. For one
day whenever I do read this, I can smile because stupid me thought I was ever
going to forget.
