How are you?

“How are you?” is probably one of the worst questions there is.  For one I’m going to answer with “I’m fine” and smile, which are both a lie.  The second thing is you really don’t want to hear the real answer.  Before I begin with the real answer though, I truthfully appreciate the people that ask “How are you?” and genuinely care.  It really does help for that split second to lift my spirits, but sorry I must lie to your face.  

So here’s the truth:

I’m not fine, I’m the exact opposite of fine.  I start my day usually crying for a few minutes because I have to walk by pictures and an urn instead of a snoring and drooling little girl.  I don’t want to get out of bed to pee much less go through another day.  The last thing I want to do is interact with people and have conversations.  I don’t want to watch that kid suffer in class when I know their parents could give a crap about what they do.  I don’t even like working out any more, but I have to because with depression comes eating and I’d weigh 400 pounds if I didn’t.  I don’t like picking up the phone when my friends call and usually stare at the screen until it goes to voicemail.  I get mad at stuff around the house that doesn’t even matter.  I make my wife, the one person I can’t go without, cry and not like me with stupid decisions and comments.  I spent 2 hours of Thanksgiving laying in bed staring at Penelope’s Bunny because I couldn’t handle being around people and faking it anymore.  I smile, laugh, and joke around while inside I’m trying not to throw up and holding back tears because something I’m doing is probably reminding me of P and I’m hoping that I can leave to go sit on the couch as soon as possible and hold her boppy.  I look like I’m holding it together, but there’s the truth, I'm not.

I don’t want extra calls or texts, I probably won’t pick it up any way.  I am depressed but I have to learn how to deal with it my way.  I don’t want to leave my house, but I do.  I have an obligation to my kids to give them a great day and I will do that, no matter what’s wrong with me.  So for those of you that I do encounter during the day, I appreciate you and yeah, “I’m fine.”