Her stocking hangs there in its
spot next to her Mama’s. Her pictures
are on the mantle, the table, behind me, on my cell phone, and on the
computer. Her boppy is right under this
computer as I type. Her Poppy cat is
cuddled on her spot right above Tink on the couch. Her pink tree sits in the front room with all
her ornaments just as they were last year.
I moved her urn to the front of her special place so that the lights
shine off the side if you look at it just right. The only thing missing is her. The piece of
my heart that is hers is no longer there, but broken into tiny pieces all over
my soul.
Yes I’m depressed and have anxiety
at some point every single day. Yes I
cry when I see all these cute things I could be buying her. Yes I get pissed when I walk by a storefront
that has something pretty that my baby would have looked cute in. I struggle constantly finding something to
look forward to. I truthfully get upset
when I have to look at others Christmas cards and we don’t have one. I get pissed when I think of all these people
that will be opening presents and being ungrateful because it is the wrong size
or color. I scroll as fast as I can on
social media so I don’t have to look at the fun things your are doing with your
kids. Minus that creepy as hell Elf on
the Shelf, you can keep that stupid thing to yourself. I cry watching videos and looking at pictures
because that is all I have left. I give
fake smiles to people as I walk by, because that’s the best I’ve got.
All those things are what a Dad
goes through who lost his little girl.
There’s a million other emotions and triggers that I have to navigate
every day. Those feelings have also made
me see the flip side of it. I don’t get
pissed at all those Minnie Mouses or fairies that fill my house. I stopped being mad at that “cute stuff”
Ellen bought when scroll through pics and see her wearing it. I smile at those Christmas cards the 2nd
time I look at it because those families were there for us when we needed it
and are pretty much our family too. I
don’t look forward to much, but I know that those 8 yr olds are looking forward
to seeing me. I am grateful for
neighbors that bring by a card, kids that hand me a gift card, and a young man
that gave me a gift with his own words written in the inside cover. I’m more grateful for those little gestures
than ever before. I’m happy for social
media because it gives me an escape to share my feelings, read the ridiculous
posts on My Greeneville, and look at Daquan’s Instagram. Those same videos that make me cry also give
me the strength to make it through the rest of the day.
I’m not getting into the Reason for
the Season vs. Christmas trees and presents and how it should make me
feel. I’m just trying to make it through
a meal without having to go upstairs and be alone. My little angel fairy is celebrating her 1st
Christmas without being sick or hurting.
She gets to stare at all the Christmas lights, not just ours. She can be on a mountain in Montana or on the
beach in Florida, but I know she’ll be here with us on the couch. I truly want Christmas to come and go this
year, I don’t know any other way. I hope
your Christmas is all you want it to be, live in the moment, and listen in it
too. There will be joy and we will all smile at some point, it might just not come as easy as it has in the past.
😥
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