June 9th wasn't that long ago. It seems like forever
because every day I wake up in the same hell as the day before. I made sure that during those last times I
lived in the moment. I soaked up every
single second that I could because I knew those seconds wouldn't last forever. I was wrong.
I relive those seconds every single day at some point. I can tell you every single thing that
happened from the time I got the call from Ellen to the second I felt all the
breath leave her body onto my neck for the last time. The problem with all that is I’m not living
in the moment now. I’m not even close to
that and it took 3 minutes of scrolling through Darren Reese’s pictures to make
me realize that.
If
you don’t know Darren Reese, then you are missing out. The stories he tells through his pictures are
pretty much unbelievable and his appreciation for a good beer is on the same
level as mine. Long story short, I saw a
picture I forgot about this morning and went scrolling through his timeline to
find the original. Let’s just say that
took a while. In the process I noticed
pictures of things I was a part of that I had never seen before. I forgot about football games, accomplishments,
current events, and so much more.
Timelines since June are almost nonexistent because I play the same one
in my head over and over. I've missed
out on so much more and cheated myself because I’m depressed and anxious about
making it through the next hour and not living in that hour.
It
isn’t going to change any time soon, but damn, it about brought me to
tears. I had no idea what some of those
pictures were, and I was probably no more than 50 feet away from them in the
background somewhere. Depression makes
you live in the background. It takes
away what is in front of you and although you can mask it with a fake smile and
“I’m fine”, it doesn't change the fact that I won’t remember this moment
because I’m replaying the time Penelope held my hand all the way from Florida a
few days before she passed away.
Live
in the moment. Don’t be in the background. It’s a dark place that doesn't look the same
for everyone. My background is in the
middle of 1,000 people and a touchdown that I can’t even remember. They say you live and you learn. I say you need to learn while you live or it isn't living at all.
(hug)
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