I Tried...

Losing a child is hard.  We all get that.  There is a part about your child passing away that nobody talks about really.  Your friend’s kids.  I have no idea how you are supposed to handle this situation, and truthfully I just acted like it didn’t happen.  This might have been wrong, probably pissed a few people off, but “Frankly, my dear, I DO give a damn.”  I wanted to be a part of these celebrations, whether it was a new baby girl or a birthday party, but the grief and pain won over and over.

I wanted so bad to be outwardly happy for those posting pregnancy announcements, but the pit of my stomach turned so tight that it about made me sick thinking we had just went through another failed IVF; so I just sat at home and kept scrolling.

I wanted so bad to go hold a friend’s new baby and just enjoy a newborn, but all I could think of is not being able to hold my little girl again; so I just sat at home and kept looking at P’s pictures.

I wanted so bad to buy my best friend’s kid something and watch them play with it, but I couldn’t even walk in a kids section of a store or look at toys without losing it; so I just sat at home and held P’s boppy on the couch like I always do.

I wanted so bad to do all these things, but they hurt so bad I couldn’t imagine even walking out of the house to go do them.  It eats at you on the inside more than you can even begin to think, and I’m crying writing this just imagining it.  It wasn’t about the toys or the parties, but just the opportunity to have them for her, for us, was lost on that day.

It isn’t an apology that I kept to myself during these times, just an explanation that I couldn’t really talk about, and probably won’t ever after posting this.

The news of twins coming into our life brought hope back and a silver lining of happiness that has been lost for almost two years now.  I didn’t realize how much it really took a toll on different parts of life, but there isn’t some playbook for this junk so I’m figuring it out as I go. 

So to my friends over the past little while, I’ll always be there for you, it might just look different sometimes.  I probably should have done better at times, but sometimes it was the best I had.