Google says Sorry, No Results Found

    Surely with Google there should be some sort of guideline and handbook for this stuff.  Let me tell you, there isn’t.  I have looked.  I even got so desperate and hit the 2^nd and 3^rd O at the bottom of the search page on Google.  I will say, if you have never done that, I mean seriously who has, you should sometime because it is an adventure.

     I've got 4,000 emotions running through my head, another 4,000 things I need to do, and 1 image of a little girl picking flowers that overpowers them all.  I want to talk about believing, faith, addiction, cancer (yes, again F you cancer), friends, phone calls, church lady deviled eggs, and grieving.  I want to talk about looking into Josie and Harper’s eyes and seeing my little girl.  I want to, I have to, get all these emotions out somehow but I am not ready to let go.  I can’t hit that publish button because in a way I don’t want you to come into this world.  I talked about not wanting you to know what to say and that it is ok in one of my earlier posts.  I really don’t want you to enter this buzz saw I have going on in my head right now.  Nobody should have to do this, but the truth is they do and it is just part of life. 

    I go from crying about missing my little bit so much that I get sick to smiling because she’s here saying “Daddy, it’s ok.”  I get mad that I couldn't protect my little girl from something to being happy that a little girl touched so many lives.  I spend time talking to P about what she’s going to do today, then worry that when somebody comes over later that I’ll even be able to sit there and talk to them.  I get anxiety about walking out of the house, but feel calm when I feel the breeze because that was her favorite.  This is all before I've even had my first cup of coffee.  So see, in my best Ice Cube voice, “You don’t want none of this.”

     I've written a lot, thought a lot, cried even more, and talked to my little girl a lot over the past few days.  To all of you that have told me to keep writing, I have and I will, it is just going to take some time to let it out.  I wanted to say Let it Go right there, but if that Frozen song gets stuck in my head I will go crazy.  I appreciate all of the love and support.  I’m sorry I don’t have anything more than thank you, but then again, the handbook is blank.