Sit this one out....

     Truthfully it sucks to miss out on things.  When you lose your little girl, you lose opportunities that you don’t think about, but life smacks you in the face with them to remind you of all those emotions you try to hide.  The Daddy Daughter dance is one of those that hit me hard this week.  What hit me harder are those little girls that looked at me and said “I’m not going,” and I had to reply, “well I’m not either honey, we’ll be ok, there will be more dances.”

     I cried as I turned my back to walk away from their table.  I don’t know if there will be any more dances.  I don’t know what the next hour holds much less a year from now.  I want to yell, scream, complain, and yell some more about how life isn’t fair and pisses me off.  I want to be pissed that there are things like a Daddy Daughter dance and that I have to sit from afar and just watch it happen.  I want so bad to put my fist through the noses of the dads that don’t go and have the chance to.  I want to cry because all I want in life is one dance with my little girl and knowing I’ll never get it.  I want to sit and be mad that something took her away and took these opportunities away from the both of us.  I want to do all these things over and over and just destroy something because I’m destroyed on the inside.

     But I can’t. Not because I don’t need to, but because I won’t let that side of me win.  So, I just write about it and act like it will go away.

     People fight their own battles every day.  Some wish they could tell a relative one more time that they loved them.  Some kids grow up wishing they had a Daddy to take them to things like a dance.  That’s just how this life goes.  It isn’t fair, and we are allowed to be mad about things.  What we can’t do is let it ruin those good things.  As much as it hurts, I still want to walk in my classroom and let my little girls tell me about how dressed up they got and all about their nails getting done.  I want to hear it because it was taken away from me, not them.  I can be bitter all I want but it isn’t going to change the fact that they had a great time, and it isn’t my place to take that away from them.  The look in their eyes and excitement in their voice reminds me of my Sweet P.  It isn’t about what could have been, but what was and how lucky I was to be a part of it.