4 Walls

You want to get real in touch with your thoughts and feelings? Sit in a freaking hospital room for more than one day.  You want to start getting delirious and questioning everything you know? Sit in a hospital room for more than 3 days.  People always ask, “How are you doing?” Well, you probably don't want to know the truth, so I hit you with the “I’m ok.”

                I get so pissed when somebody says, “I’m Tired!” or “I have so much going on I can't handle it.”  Usually it is because they watched Netflix all night or they don't do their damn job and leave everything to the last minute.  I'll rant more about that later, but that has to do with the shit-storm of emotions that are in my head on a daily basis.  One of my coworkers said it best, “You just have to act like you are in a movie and be the best actor you can.” I scream WTF internally about 20 times a day, and that’s not towards kids. My kids are my escape, they make me happy.

                Truthfully, I don't see how Ellen stays sane having to stay when I go to work.  I've seen a lot of hospital walls over the past couple years and they all bring the same emotions.  I start out scared for my little girl and what the results will show.  Then I get anxious while they fiddle fart around trying to make arrangements for what is next.  Usually it will take too long and I get mad and start cussing under my breath.  Next, I will get a little relief because they start making her feel better.  From that point it usually is a roller coaster of all those and about 10 more combined.

                Sure you can get out, walk around, and people watch but you still have to come back to these walls.  You sit there and memorize every poster, every medical procedure, every nook and cranny just trying to find something different that takes your mind off of that little girl laying in the bed in the middle of the room. 

                Cell phones and Clash of Clans makes it easy to mindlessly wander for a few minutes, but if that Wi-Fi is shitty, then you are going to have a bad time.  I don't mind reading, I've actually finished a few books sitting in these recliners, but with so many people coming in and out, it’s hard to get a good read.

                Distractions aside, hospital stays make me crazy as hell.  I start diagnosing P’s illness and make it a hundred times worse than it ever is.  I usually start judging and guessing about the nurses that come in and out and the doctors who make their rounds.  It’s always funny to see the residents that look like they've been on 3 day bingers, I don't trust a word they say. 

                My emotions are just that; Mine.  Other than Ellen and my friend Logan, it is hard for anybody to understand what’s up in my head.  The rage is the hardest part to control and how I've gone this long without my fist going through something or someone is beyond me.  I’m really good at keeping all these thoughts and emotions in. It’s best for everybody.