That is the answer to everything this week. It’s hard to think. It’s hard to look at pictures. It’s hard to wake up and it is hard to go to
sleep. I get so excited to scroll
through my Facebook memories, but then end up almost getting sick to my stomach
from the feeling of it being just a picture now. Life stopped a year ago at the end of this
week. We go on and have really done some
great things in her memory. That’s what
is hard and forever will be: the distance between memories of then and life
now.
That whole cliché of
time heals is complete crap. Time doesn’t
heal, it only takes me farther from the last time I got to look into her eyes. Time has done nothing for me but make me so
mentally tired sometimes I can’t stand it.
I’ve wanted to write a million things over the past few
days. I’ve started and I’ve
deleted. I’ve written a sentence and
then my mind wanders 100 other places.
Nobody and nothing can prepare you for the day you lost your little
love. I have relived that day a million
times, but something about the official “1 year” hits you like a freight train
right in the chest.
I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. It is a feeling of being lost that you can’t
even describe. I want to talk about her,
but I know I’m going to cry. I want to
think about all the amazing things we got to do, but it makes me miss them that
much more. I want to be happy with my
friends about their little ones, but I feel empty inside when I can’t hold her
hand. I’m crying right now writing this
and I haven’t even begun to talk about what I want to. That’s life though right?
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