“Oh grieving is a
process, you’ll have highs and lows.” “Grief shows its head in many ways, you
will find a way to deal with it.” “Stay positive.”
These are the things you
hear as you begin to grieve. Here is the
truth: “It isn’t a process, it is now life as you know it. You have mediums and pits of hell, the only
high is medicinal at the beginning.” “You
don’t deal, you see things in different ways.” “These many heads are really
just the 5 million things going through your head at once.” “Screw positive, I’m just trying to stay
sane.”
I’ve grieved in the bottom
of Gin bottles. I’ve grieved opening up
the top of a pill bottle. I grieve reading
passages of the Bible while minutes later screaming “Why????” at the top of my
lungs from her bedroom. I grieve by
loving my wife more than anything, but also by getting mad at her about simple
things. I’ve yelled until I am hoarse,
cried until I can’t breathe, and thought so much my head hurts to the point of
crying again. I’ve watched the phone go
to voicemail of my best friends days upon days.
I’ve made more excuses on why I can’t go somewhere than I ever have
before. I’ve given to more charities and
donated more change at 4 way stops than before too. I’ve said I am Ok and doing fine to the point
I start to halfway believe it.
I could say a thousand
more things about the past month and a half but it all comes down to living day
to day. One day is not like the
other. One minute is not like the other. The only process I understand about grieving
is this:
1)
Nobody should ever
tell you how to grieve. You do you and
be okay with that.
2)
You will become
bitter with the people around you without even knowing.
3)
Drinking an entire
bottle of gin will probably make you pee the bed.
4)
You need to take
time to cry purposefully. Random things
will make you cry, but you need to reminisce about the times that made you
smile, even though you cry and want for them now.
5)
Don’t give up on
God. Your outlook will change. Your
beliefs will be tested. You have to
figure it out yourself, nobody can do that for you.
